I am undone ......
yesterday,
because I had the freedom to do so,
I did something so horribly foolish
something that did not honor myself
nor my God
something that did not bring life
but only spoke of death and fear and hate ...

I reposted a video that had been posted originally by a site
a teaching site
that I trusted

I saw the title
and thought this is an area where we all need to learn
and so
without watching it myself
without learning myself
I simply reposted it

it was not until my son had the wisdom and the foresight ..
he obviously did watch it ....
to text me and point out the totally inapprorpriate timing of this post

just 24 hours earlier there had been a mass shooting
people were shot simply because they identified with the religion in this video
and here I am
a supposedly mature surrendered woman of Christ
posting something that could promote more violence against this same religion ...

my thought had been simply to educate
if we knew the roots of this religion
we would know better how to pray for these people
but instead Isimply promoted more hate
more violence

I am crushed
not at the video
but at my lack of wisdom
my lack of sensitivity

and I am so grateful for Jesus speaking through my son
bringing it to my attention

thank you Lord for the freedom in which I live
please I pray teach me to live it wisely
carefully
and thus bring honor to You
the giver of this freedom

cross marked

I really enjoy working with dough, making bread and buns and rolls ....
there is something deep within me that is touched with the burying of my fingers in the belly of soft dough .....
there is a need to push and press and squeeze and punch without being harsh or meanly aggressive ..
it is important to eliminate unwanted air bubbles as even tiny pockets of air have the possibility to alter the final product .... these tiny, little inoccuous bubbles can expand out of control in the heat required while baking ...
soooooo, I was making hot cross buns and wondering why they are called HOT cross buns as I was shaping each wee ball and then flattening it with the palm of my hand before the final resting and rising time ..... bits of dough with all their spicy perfume buried themselves in the nooks and crannies of my hand ...... we were inextricably one during this process .....just before popping them into the heat of the oven, one has to carve a cross into each top ..... care has to be taken in this carving .... if you carve too deep, or not deep enough, the outcome is affected ...one has to just break the flesh of the bun ....then during the baking heat this cross is beautifully accentuated .... this I guess is the HOT cross ....

and is this not like us ....... during our fomation time with Jesus, He shapes us, prods us, pushes and squeezes us to eliminate anything that should not be within us, then gently marks us so that when we go through the inevitable fire His mark will be seen, will be highlighted ...... it is not a surface mark, but a mark that has required a crucifying of our flesh ......the crucifixion fire releasing His fragrance that is forever part of who we are ..

and even after washing and cleaning up, tiny little remnants of the dough of Who He is will always remain .....  sometimes I get dough under my fingernails and I wonder if there is the clay of me under the fingernails of Almighty God ......

as a child

there was a moment when Jesus and His friends were on a hillside .....
after a long, full day of teaching, the sun had started to slide beyond the horizon
and evening approached ....Jesus, fully man, realized all who surrounded him,
men, women and children, must be hungry ....he asked his friends to feed everyone ...
there was a huge wondering then amongst the disciples .... how?   how can this be done?
and a single young boy came forward and offered all he had .... five loaves and two fishes ...
this boy never stopped to consider that what he had to offer would never be enough to feed thousands ... he never hesitated or tried to figure it out or even hold back because he knew he did not have enough ....in his simple, yet not so simple, innocence, he offered all he had ....
and we all know the story ... Jesus accepted his offering, gave thanks, broke it and everyone was fed .. to overflowing... there was more than enough ...

what has struck me lately is that there must have been others in that huge crowd who had a small lunch yet no one else offered ..... did each one consider the smallness of what they had would never be useful? did they think it would not even be accepted?  if they gave up their lunch, were they not willing to go hungry do that someone else might feed?  while sitting right at the feet of Jesus was there such selfishness and entitlement that there was no love for a neighbour?????

several times in scripture Jesus speak of children, of being a child, of loving Him with a child-like love ..... not a childish love but a child-like love .... when a child loves, there is absolute trust that the one loved will love in return .... when we "grow up" all this intellectual wondering and posturing begins ....a need for acceptance with a belief that acceptance will only happen if we have something grand to offer .....

and then of course there is this loud huge overwhelming fear of being broken, of being truly seen...
and yet ..... Jesus gave thanks, He broke what was offered and only then was there enough, more than enough ...

we all need to fold the wings of our intellect into our heart and relearn how to live out of our heart ....
how to love as a child .....and offer all we have, all we are, all we ever hope to be ...

and I hear

I am your Father
will you be My child?

marriage covenant

while reading Ann Voskamp's newest book, The Broken Way,
I came accross the following:

The marriage customs of first century Jews.  
When a man had decided whom he had chosen to marry, his father would pour a cup of wine and pass it down to his son.  The son would then turn to the young woman he loved and with all the solemnity of an oath before Almighty Yahweh Himself, the young man would hold out the cup of wine to the woman and ask for her hand in marriage.  He would ask with these words. “This cup is a new covenant in my blood which I offer to you.”

The words Jesus spoke during what we refer to as the Last Supper are “This cup is the new covenant in my blood, which I offer to you.”  

The Last Supper was a marriage covenant.

This fact really gobsmacked me and has left me rather undone .... I have been tampered with...
what a holy truth to absorb ........

so happy to be writing again ......
I am not sure what plugged the flow
or even what released it
but just letting my stumbling words out
giving the jumble of thoughts space to grow instead of ferment
even though it is a bit like slicing an artery and letting my life blood flow
I can breathe again ....
yes, I was breathing all along
but it was as if there was a breath caught inside
pushing against the walls of me
longing to be free, to fly high

it is not important if anyone else ever sees these words
or reads these words
I can again breathe ...
in
and
out
in
and
out

these are not my words to own
I have no claim on these words
they are simply pieces of something
that can only be whole once released

I am so happy to be writing again ....

seasons

there is this lovely potted plant near my window ...I have no idea of it's name but in season, it is covered with trumpet shaped blood red flowers and even out of season, it has an abundance of gorgeously deeply pointed shiny green leaves... it has faithfully delighted me with it's beautiful bounty for many, many years .... lately I have noted that the leaves are yellowing and one by one dropping, no matter how tenderly I cared for it ..... I suspected it was nearing the end of it's lifespan ... this morning I saw that almost all the leaves have now dropped, leaving a bare brown wonderfully twisted stem standing tall and straight and firm ...... at first I was deeply saddened but then while  looking more closely I saw a tiny tender shoot poking it's head through the soil and beginning to wrap itself around the still sturdy stem of the now bare and naked plant .....
and this reminds me of life .... human life.... human spiritual life...
when nearing the end of our allotted number of years external things start to drop away, glitter falls to the ground, any external attractiveness wanes, there is no great bounty to catch the attention of  other eyes but if our roots are deep and healthy there is still a wonder-filled purpose in this season....
we can be a trellis, a support, a guide, a shoulder,  to a tender shoot ....

We're here to be loved -- and we can only be loved if we're seen.  Try saying what you really feel, what you really see, what you really want, what you really love, what you really mean, with one safe person today.  Maybe the safe person is you?  Pen and paper works too! You are worthy of being free and known.


we need to create space to hear one another


"What kills a soul?
Exhaustion, secret keeping, image management.
And what brings a soul back from the dead?
Honesty, connection, grace."

- Shauna Niequist


I read recently that you are not loved if you are not known ….
and I completely agree…. the challenge is there is a wall, a huge hard wall, that divides the desire to be known and the willingness to be known ….this is a self-erected wall and thus can only be penetrated, overcome, knocked to smithereens by the one who builds it ….to be known is a scary thing ….it is a risk that can only be taken after trust is the foundation of that risk ….the trust foundation must be built slowly, thoughtfully, carefully and prayerfully …..if there are any cracks in the foundation, sewage can seep in undermining the whole thing.  Paradoxically, the sewage as it weakens the foundation, strengthens the wall.


there is this marriage conference about to be held in our church ….
some have been married for some time, some quite some time, and there is a wondering if something can be taken apart without coming apart, without a great permanent undoing happening …. and yet, to be built correctly, on a solid foundation, sometimes a taking part is required ...