yesterday I had the privilege of sitting with a gentle woman
whom I have sat with in a group for a few years
but never before had it been just the two of us ..
this lovely woman carries herself with a quiet elegance
and always looks peace-filled and at ease ...
I knew a tiny piece of her story ....
her husband died about 18 months ago
and she had been to Isreal
but that is all I knew ..
she had asked if she could come and sit for a bit ..
almost immediately her story started to come out
she spoke dispassionately, giving facts,
fighting emotions ....
and it was a sad sad story
of a marriage
that was all fake ..
there was no unity of heart, mind or spirit ..
only hard control
there was no tendeness, no expression of love
no times of being cherished
of being wanted
of being heard
of being seen
all while being upstanding, upfront pillars of the Christian commnity ...
her life was all a sham
she shared that in order to communicate with her husband
she had to write him a letter .... he would not
or could not
or chose not
to hear her voice
let alone her heart ...
and now, she finally had the courage to speak
to start tearing off the shrouds of death she had been wrapped in
for years
and years
she rediscovered her voice
and saw that the world did not end because she dared to speak the truth
and so we began a journey together ...
she will come back when. she is ready to again speak
and together we will move forward into the Light ...
I so admire her courage
but am left with this huge wondering ....
how many of us are out there?
how many of us are living a lie
a sham
how many of us have lost our voice
when I look around at my sisters
what do I see
when anyone looks at me
what do they see
God have mercy ....
Thursday, March 30, 2017
Thursday, March 23, 2017
emerald ash borer
I remember so well the first time I saw this absolutely beautiful creature ...
it was a brilliant green, a little larger than a grass hopper ...
sitting perfectly still on the road .... I carefully picked it up and moved it over
into the grass so no one would run over it ...I was mezmorized by its unique beauty ...
a week or so later, I saw another ..
this time down by the water, on the side of a stump ..
shedding its skin.... I watched fascinated, taking care no one touched it
or harmed it in any way ....I still had no idea what it was ... just that it
was so very attractive that my desire was to protect it from being killed ...
only later, much later, did I learn about the emerald ash borer .....
a stunningly beautiful, seductively attractive killer .....
this thing that is so amazingly attractive
bores into the ash tree ...
bores right to the core, the heart, of the tree ...
unless you look very carefully to find evidence of its route to the core
you would not be aware of its presence ...
it simply hides inside sucking and feeding on the sap,
the lifeblood, of the tree
for some years
until one season the leaves begin to droop a bit,
and then the next season the leaf growth thins out considerably
and then next the branches are totally bare
and the tree begins its quiet inevitable journey into death
and is this not a picture of sin .....
how attractive it can look
how seductively beautiful it can seem
birthing a desire to protect it ..
place it somewhere no one would kill it ....
and before you are aware
this beautiful thing has penetrated right to our core
right into our heart
and unless it is uprooted
and put to death
it will suck the life out of us
and put us to death .....
is there an emerald ash borer hovering near by
trying to catch my attention ????
it was a brilliant green, a little larger than a grass hopper ...
sitting perfectly still on the road .... I carefully picked it up and moved it over
into the grass so no one would run over it ...I was mezmorized by its unique beauty ...
a week or so later, I saw another ..
this time down by the water, on the side of a stump ..
shedding its skin.... I watched fascinated, taking care no one touched it
or harmed it in any way ....I still had no idea what it was ... just that it
was so very attractive that my desire was to protect it from being killed ...
only later, much later, did I learn about the emerald ash borer .....
a stunningly beautiful, seductively attractive killer .....
this thing that is so amazingly attractive
bores into the ash tree ...
bores right to the core, the heart, of the tree ...
unless you look very carefully to find evidence of its route to the core
you would not be aware of its presence ...
it simply hides inside sucking and feeding on the sap,
the lifeblood, of the tree
for some years
until one season the leaves begin to droop a bit,
and then the next season the leaf growth thins out considerably
and then next the branches are totally bare
and the tree begins its quiet inevitable journey into death
and is this not a picture of sin .....
how attractive it can look
how seductively beautiful it can seem
birthing a desire to protect it ..
place it somewhere no one would kill it ....
and before you are aware
this beautiful thing has penetrated right to our core
right into our heart
and unless it is uprooted
and put to death
it will suck the life out of us
and put us to death .....
it is interesting that while some birds might rest on a branch
or take shelter amongst the leaves
no bird ever nests in these infected trees ..
they seem to understand
this is no place to give birth
to bring vulnerable new life into being
is there an emerald ash borer hovering near by
trying to catch my attention ????
Friday, March 17, 2017
the scream
The Scream
If I ever let out the scream inside me, it will be heard for miles. It will echo across acres of land and tens of years. It will be a scream of rage and hurt and violation and of things wrongfully taken. It will put fear into the hearts of wild beasts, topple mountains and shatter the calm. It will ripple and grow and turn in upon itself as it simultaneously devours everything in its path.
If I ever let out the scream inside me, it will come from the very depths of my soul. It will start at my toes, explode through my heart, spring out through my tears. It will freeze my face in an expression of terror and pain. It will rip through the essence of my being. It would convulse my body into spasms of anguish and sorrow.
I would know, at that instant, how murders happen, how suicides are excused or explained...how vulnerable each of us really are.
I would scream the rage for myself and every other child throughout time that has been hurt, abused, neglected, afraid, abandoned or forgotten. I would scream the rage for myself and every other child throughout time that has sought comfort and been turned away or ignored, that looked for answers without knowing the questions.
If I ever let out the scream inside me it would be an emotional vomiting of things rotten and diseased, of things soured and spoiled...contaminated things that sit and churn and cannot be purged by any other means than an immense, sudden and explosive release. For the feelings behind the scream are volatile....and pressurized.
If I ever let out the scream inside me, I will have to do it alone, for I was alone when it was forced upon me in the first place. The scream is mine and mine alone. It is one of the few things I was allowed to keep. Most everything else was taken.
But now the scream wants to be set free....it doesn't want to be mine anymore. It demands release. How can I expect anyone to hold me near? I don't even want to be here...Hide, hide! Go to sleep! Maybe it will fade away. Maybe it will stay... I don't think so. I think it wants out.
It hurts! It swells and presses outward...but I can't let it go!!! I am paralyzed by it. It's got ME captive instead of the other way around.
Or...maybe we're both prisoners of each other....? I just don't know....
If I ever let out the scream inside me, it will be heard for miles. It will echo across acres of land and tens of years. It will be a scream of rage and hurt and violation and of things wrongfully taken. It will put fear into the hearts of wild beasts, topple mountains and shatter the calm. It will ripple and grow and turn in upon itself as it simultaneously devours everything in its path.
If I ever let out the scream inside me, it will come from the very depths of my soul. It will start at my toes, explode through my heart, spring out through my tears. It will freeze my face in an expression of terror and pain. It will rip through the essence of my being. It would convulse my body into spasms of anguish and sorrow.
I would know, at that instant, how murders happen, how suicides are excused or explained...how vulnerable each of us really are.
I would scream the rage for myself and every other child throughout time that has been hurt, abused, neglected, afraid, abandoned or forgotten. I would scream the rage for myself and every other child throughout time that has sought comfort and been turned away or ignored, that looked for answers without knowing the questions.
If I ever let out the scream inside me it would be an emotional vomiting of things rotten and diseased, of things soured and spoiled...contaminated things that sit and churn and cannot be purged by any other means than an immense, sudden and explosive release. For the feelings behind the scream are volatile....and pressurized.
If I ever let out the scream inside me, I will have to do it alone, for I was alone when it was forced upon me in the first place. The scream is mine and mine alone. It is one of the few things I was allowed to keep. Most everything else was taken.
But now the scream wants to be set free....it doesn't want to be mine anymore. It demands release. How can I expect anyone to hold me near? I don't even want to be here...Hide, hide! Go to sleep! Maybe it will fade away. Maybe it will stay... I don't think so. I think it wants out.
It hurts! It swells and presses outward...but I can't let it go!!! I am paralyzed by it. It's got ME captive instead of the other way around.
Or...maybe we're both prisoners of each other....? I just don't know....
hidden gifts
there are some who are deeply wounded
so crippled by their wounds
that all one sees are the wounds
often those wounds have a voice
that screams and disrupts and demands attention
but
there are some
who have wonderful gifts
buried in those wounds
and too often
we ignore, cast aside, throw away
the wounded
and never see those gifts
so crippled by their wounds
that all one sees are the wounds
often those wounds have a voice
that screams and disrupts and demands attention
but
there are some
who have wonderful gifts
buried in those wounds
and too often
we ignore, cast aside, throw away
the wounded
and never see those gifts
Wednesday, March 15, 2017
March 15/17
how is your heart ?????
this is the question that fills me ......
it is not so much what happens,but rather my response to what happens ...
how is my heart?
it is sooooo hard to live in a black pool of negativity ..
there are times my feet struggle to find bottom so as not to sink ..
how I long to laugh ....
how I long to simply live every moment in childlike delight
how I long to bash the negative with a huge BUT .....
so much to be grateful for ...
here we are in the midst of this huge storm ..
snow and wind and cold everywhere ..
people being hurt ... one man has died ...
and I sit by the fire,
coffee in hand,
warm, safe .....
and I give thanks for the little things often taken for granted ...
even my freedom .... or especially my freedom!
teach me Lord to live from a child like trust in You
Jesus asks "what do you want?"
how would I answer ....
what would come out of my mouth .....
it is hard to drink this cup ...
it does not always taste nice, or sit well ...
often causes indigestion
HEARTBURN ....
how is your heart??????
how is my heart ......
this is the question that fills me ......
it is not so much what happens,but rather my response to what happens ...
how is my heart?
it is sooooo hard to live in a black pool of negativity ..
there are times my feet struggle to find bottom so as not to sink ..
how I long to laugh ....
how I long to simply live every moment in childlike delight
how I long to bash the negative with a huge BUT .....
so much to be grateful for ...
here we are in the midst of this huge storm ..
snow and wind and cold everywhere ..
people being hurt ... one man has died ...
and I sit by the fire,
coffee in hand,
warm, safe .....
and I give thanks for the little things often taken for granted ...
even my freedom .... or especially my freedom!
teach me Lord to live from a child like trust in You
Jesus asks "what do you want?"
how would I answer ....
what would come out of my mouth .....
it is hard to drink this cup ...
it does not always taste nice, or sit well ...
often causes indigestion
HEARTBURN ....
how is your heart??????
how is my heart ......
Tuesday, March 14, 2017
weapons of mass destruction
so much war all around
killings, maimings, beheadings ...
violence done one to another
in the name of ?????
rockets fired one nation into another
death dropped from the skies
men, women, children killed indiscriminately ..
from near
from afar
and just as lethal
a whisper of doubt
a hint
a soft suggestion
death comes in many forms
some sudden
some seeping in over years and years
blood soaked ground
crushed and broken spirit
each one a victim ....
bombs destroy buildings
a simple whisper can deatroy this temple
killings, maimings, beheadings ...
violence done one to another
in the name of ?????
rockets fired one nation into another
death dropped from the skies
men, women, children killed indiscriminately ..
from near
from afar
and just as lethal
a whisper of doubt
a hint
a soft suggestion
death comes in many forms
some sudden
some seeping in over years and years
blood soaked ground
crushed and broken spirit
each one a victim ....
bombs destroy buildings
a simple whisper can deatroy this temple
Tuesday March 14/17
Jesus knocks
Jesus waits
I invite Him in and ask for the grace to be open to what He is asking of me ...
grace to receive the pressing of His finger prints deep into the clay of me ...
the scripture reading this morning was about authority and what authority means ..
how to carry it out, how to live it out ...
authority is not for power
but for empowering ......
may it always be so in my life ...
look into my heart Lord ...
hear the words I cannot speak
feel the longing I cannot utter
as I live and be on the thin edge of this broken sorrow .....
and bend
to pick up a towel
Jesus waits
I invite Him in and ask for the grace to be open to what He is asking of me ...
grace to receive the pressing of His finger prints deep into the clay of me ...
the scripture reading this morning was about authority and what authority means ..
how to carry it out, how to live it out ...
authority is not for power
but for empowering ......
may it always be so in my life ...
look into my heart Lord ...
hear the words I cannot speak
feel the longing I cannot utter
as I live and be on the thin edge of this broken sorrow .....
and bend
to pick up a towel
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