It is I

It is I

there were the disciples

a boat

a storm

and someone walking towards them in the storm

the ones in the boat were fishermen, and so used to the water and storms  ... they were trying their best to get through the storm by doing what they had always done in the past ... rowing and rowing and rowing ... but "were not making headway".   it does not say they were frightened by the storm ... they were frightened by what they saw in the storm .... someone approaching them right in the storm ....and when this someone was invited into their boat ("they were willing to take him in") they immediately reached shore ... where their feet would be on solid ground, a place of safety, a place where the storm could not affect them, a place where they could rest from their efforts .....

how often do we ask that the storm cease?  that the winds and waves would stop?   so busy "rowing " hard that we miss noticing the one right in the midst of the raging winds and swirling waters .... there is no need to ask that the storm be stopped ... the only need is to invite Him into the circumstance, to be close with us in the swirling and the raging, and we, too, will reach shore with our feet on solid ground .....

is it possible sometimes we are frightened by the very thing that could bring us peace and safety ?

is it possible to stop and be still in the midst of a storm and dare to look right into it to find one walking towards us, waiting to be invited in?

is our fear so loud we could miss hearing "it is I" ?

just pondering a bit .....

marked by His cross

 Today I was making hot cross buns ... something I enjoy doing and have done many many times but today was different .... perhaps because right now the fire of my life is pretty intense .... First one must mix up the dough, and then let it rise (mature?)... once that step is completed, the dough is broken apart and shaped into individual buns ... again, the dough is allowed to sit (further maturing?) .. after the appropriate time, the oven (fire) is heated ... as the desired temperature is reached, one takes a knife and cuts a cross into the top of each bun ... the knife must not simply slide along the surface of the dough, it actually has to cut a bit into the dough ..... the buns are then placed into the hot oven to bake ... this baking forever imprints the shape of the cross in the dough and the buns come out marked and ready to eat. 

and is not this just like life with Jesus .... 

He takes the clay of us, shapes us, lets us mature a bit, marks us with His cross, sets us in the fire of life which burns off any impurities and we come out forever marked by Him ... His cross ....so that we can then feed others ...

Torn pages

 Gentle God held the torn pages of my life and sewed them back together with threds of the shed blood of His Son .....

Catherine of Siena

"this bridge has walls of stones so that travellers will not be hindered when it rains ....stones of solid virtue .. the stones were not built into the walls until My Son's passion ..... heaven had not yet been unlocked with the key of my Son's blood and the rain of justice kept anyone from crossing over...  but after these stones were hewn on the body of the Word, my gentle Son, he built them into walls, tempering the mortar with his own blood.  That is, his blood was mixed into the mortar of his divinity with the strong heat of burning love...."

george amnd Jesus

back in 1978 my job was managing a private orthopaedic practice, as well as managing this surgeon's responsibilities as chief of orthopaedics at the hospital, and managing his off site clinics in Pembroke and Nunavut ... I worked 11 hour days, and often took work home in the evenings .... because rejection was my #1 "issue" I never said no or asked for help ..... I loved my job but was continually exhausted ..... one day while at work I heard loudly in my spirit from the Lord that He wished me to go to the Sudbury area and there was an urgency about this ..... I felt compelled to obey .... I called a friend and asked if she would go with me .... my boss was in surgery at the hospital so shaking in my boots, I left a message for him that I had to go out of town and was not exactly sure when I would be back ...I was convinced he would fire me once he received the message but I had to go ..... I called home and told Ron I had to go to Sudbury and was not sure for how long ...... I walked across the street from the office, rented a car and we were on our way .... we had never been to Sudbury but felt confident Jesus would tell us where to go .... when I saw the Sudbury sign I again heard in my spirit, keep going to Naughton .... and within a few minutes there was a sign for Naughton... Jesus directed us to a street, then to a driveway .... I pulled in, parked and walked to the door of the house ... I knocked, and as a woman opened the door I could see through to a living room where a man was lying on a couch, with a nurse bending over him and tubes and IV equipment hooked up ....the man barely raised his head, looked at me and whispered "I have been expecting you" .....this was all so surreal .... I walked over to the man who was obviously so very frail and introduced myself .... when he heard my name Argue, he asked if I had a son Geoff .... and it turned out this man years and years ago was a youth pastor at a church in Ottawa and Geoff sometimes used to attend the youth group activities with one of his friends who attended that church .... again, this was all so surreal .. George (on the couch) introduced himself saying the Lord had told him He was sending someone .... I sat on the floor and asked George his story ..... 

George was pastoring a church in Naughton and recently learned that the chair of his board was a Mason ... George told this man he could either serve Jesus on the board or be a Mason, but he could not do both ... this man got very upset and left the church ..... within a week, George began to feel ill and rapidly became very ill .... he saw his doctor who ran some tests which within days revealed George was filled with cancerous tumours..... George was immediately sent to the large cancer centre in Sudbury and was told he had approximately two weeks to live .... George and his wife started planning his funeral, even to buying his casket .... and then, Jesus spoke to George and said He was sending someone and I knocked on his door .... I felt a boldness rise up within me and I forcefully said to return the casket ... and then started asking questions about George and his family...... it came to light that although George had never embraced this doctrine, his dad was a Mason ..... George had some understanding of the masonic oaths and practices and we started praying through them, repenting, and breaking off all unhealthy attachments .... we put worship CD's on and worshipped, prayed, cried, repented, proclaimed, called upon Jesus for three days and nights ..... and George began to feel stronger ... he began to eat a bit and was able to stand ... the nurse who had come every day was dumbfounded ... and on the third day she disconnected his IV ...... George began to walk around the room singing of God's goodness and power ... he called the church secretary, told her to call everyone to say there would be a Sunday afternoon time of worship at the church .... George walked to the church which was just a half a block away and we had a worship service ..... 

late Sunday evening I started the drive home ....

George called me a few days later to say he had just seen the cancer specialist who could not find any evidence of cancer in his body ..... the specialist wished George to undergo a few rounds of chemotherapy just to ensure the cancer was completely gone and George agreed to do this.  Within a month George was declared 100% cancer free and all chemo was stopped ... he resumed pastoring the church .... some members had left influenced by the previous board chair but folks in the community who had heard of George's healing filled the church .....

George is still pastoring to this day and is still 100% cancer free after all these years  ......

my boss did not fire me upon my return although he sure was puzzled .....

I remain in total awe about the entire experience ......

Jim and Jesus

Every year I must take courses, undergo three one on one accountability sessions and write a paper on a given topic ... this is to keep my working credentials current ... the topic assigned to me this year was "God in the midst of grief" ....and I knew immediately what I would write ....this is the guts of my paper ..

In 1967, Ron was transferred to the Indian Reservation just outside Cornwall, Ontario .... fortunately I was able to find a job quickly at the General Hospital .... a year later, the moment I found out I was pregnant, being concerned about radiation exposure, I quit my job .... faced with an eight month window of simply waiting, I inquired about fostering a baby .... within 48 hours, on January 13,  a 10 hour old baby boy was placed in my arms .... I was granted the privilege of caring for this babe, named Michael by his birth mom, until he would be placed in his forever home several months down the road ...

Michael and I spent our weeks, which turned into months, together ... he was a beautiful baby who grew quickly .... he loved to sit with me as I read to him... he loved the jolly jumper ... he loved his food ... he loved his bed ... he loved being loved ....

After 6 months I ran into some challenges with my pregnancy which necessitated me staying in bed for the duration or I would run the risk of losing my baby .... obviously I could not continue to look after Michael while remaining in bed and I was faced with the heart wrenching decision .... give him up or possibly lose my baby .... I already had had one miscarriage and so took this warning very seriously ..

After an agonizing week, Michael left my arms and was placed in someone else's arms ... it was the hardest, hardest time .... I ached in the missing of him ... his little sounds, his smells, his smile, the feeling of his wee face pressed into my neck ..

I did not allow myself to grieve ... I simply focused on my baby growing inside of me .... I was so emotionally fragile that I thought to grieve Michael meant I loved him more than my yet to be born baby ... it was a tough lonely deep valley ...

Our stunningly beautiful daughter was born in due time and remains to this day the joy and delight  of my heart ...

Life went on .... we had a second baby, a boy this time, who also to this day remains such a delightful blessing ...

Years and years passed ... in 2004(ish) I was involved in a bible study with my colleagues at work ... the focus on this particular day was unresolved grief and I was suddenly unexpectedly doubled over with the pain of giving up Michael .... I cried and cried .... this was so surprising and so painful ... that night I had a dream when Michael, now a grown man, was standing in front of me and I was able to ask his forgiveness for giving him up so suddenly ...

The next day while at OneWay, sitting around the board room table with my colleagues, a gentleman burst through the door saying "God has something for me today" .... I had seen this man before and had actually prayed for him before he spoke during a Promise Keepers convention but was not sure I even knew his name ... my colleagues left the room saying this was for me to handle ....

So this young man sat across the table from me and I heard in my spirit " tell him about the dream" ... and I thought I could never ever do that .... it was such a personal dream I could not share it with someone I did not know.... I heard again " tell him about the dream" ....

And so I started to share my dream and this young man started to weep saying "that's me ..that's me" ....

As God would have it, this young man had been born on January 13, and immediately given up for adoption .... and under the direction of the Spirit I had the amazing honour of standing in for his birth mom and asking his forgiveness for giving him up to a stranger's care ....

And Jesus brought deep healing both to that young man and myself as that young man unknowingly stood in the place of Michael receiving my stumbling request for forgiveness...

Something very deep in my heart and in my spirit happened that day

Jesus opened the door for me to once again mother love a boy born to another ...

healing and forgiveness

The funny thing about healing is that something healed still holds the memory of its former brokenness. 

when a bone is fractured, a cast is sometimes applied to bring everything back into proper alignment …. if things are way out of whack, surgery is required to forcefully align the broken pieces ….

whether surgery or plaster, there is restricted motion and pain for sometimes a significant period of time …. there is a weight to a plaster and an open wound that follows surgery …. both require a change in lifestyle and care ..

even after healing, the affected bones still hold the memory of their brokenness …. perhaps some restricted motion, perhaps some weather related discomfort, perhaps a visible scar ….

and so it is with forgiveness ….. even with healing there can be residual pain, a hesitancy in moving forward, an inner scar ….

and we have a choice, always …… to focus on the memory of the break, or focus on the healing that has taken place …..

the memory comes with the weight of the cast, the open wound, the moment of trauma …. this memory can restrict us, introduce its own infection into a constantly reopened wound ….

or

we can live a life of thanks for all the healing that has taken place, for a life without weight, without infection …..