a boy on a hillside

nothing wasted

there is something so amazing about the very familiar story of the loaves and fishes ....

after the offering, the breaking, the feeding, Jesus Himself orders that all the left overs, the fragments, be gathered up " so nothing is wasted" .....

if we offer our all to Jesus and allow His breaking, He is aware of and cares for our "fragments"  ...
the pieces of us that we consider left overs, of no use ..... He wishes them to be gathered up ..
"so nothing is wasted" .....

even our left overs can feed someone else .....

and that happens when we share our story of redemption ...

I have never seen that before .... what an absolutely tender truth ...

"so nothing is wasted" .....

those parts of us that we let fall to the ground Jesus wishes to be gathered up
"so nothing is wasted"

I am so moved by this ......

the more I learn about this man Jesus, the more humbled and astounded I am ....
and that alone breaks me ....

vision from 2004

One day while in prayer, I saw myself being taken up to heaven.  Before me I saw a huge house with many rooms.  I knew instantly this was Father’s house.  I could feel the love of Father drawing me in, so I began to run as fast as I could to enter the house.  As I entered, the Lord walked me through many rooms…. He quietly  invited me to follow Him into the most beautiful room in the whole house -the intimacy room.  It was absolutely extravagant and beautiful.  Upon entering this room I was overwhelmed with love and wanted to stay there forever,  In the Spirit I could hear others in all the different rooms in the house.  Some were studying books in the library ...others were in the wine cellar.  I was somewhat surprised that everyone wasn’t in the intimacy room since it was the most beautiful room in the house.  As I was admiring the intimacy chamber, I noticed a little wooden hatch door on the floor adjacent to the bed.  It seemed really odd to me because it wasn’t fancy and hardly seemed to fit with the rest of the room.  I asked the Lord why it was there and He told me it led down into another room in the house,  I asked Him why he would put this door so close to the most beautiful thing in the whole room, the bed.  He responded “I keep it here because down there is where I spend most of my time.”. Instantly my curiosity was stirred so I asked what was down there.  He said it was the “weeping room”.  Although it hardly sounded like a room I wanted to be in, there was a cry in my heart that said if that is where the Lord spends His time, then that is where I want to go.  I asked Him if I could go down there with Him and He responded “very few choose to go down there.  It is not extravagant like this room.  It is lonely, not comfortable and you have to get very low to fit through the door.”. I told Him that I didn’t care what the conditions would be like.  I just really wanted to be wherever He was.  So we opened the little hatch door and began to slowly climb down a dark staircase until we came to the tiny room.  I had to get on my knees to fit through the door because it was so small.  As we entered the room it was very simple.  All it consisted of was a small wooden chair.  One of the walls had a small window in it.  The Lord took His seat on the chair and turned His face to look out the window.  Instantly I became aware of why this room is called the weeping room.  As you look out the window you could see and hear every single cry coming from people on earth. You could see every single act of injustice all at the same time.  Every starving child crying out to God, every woman being raped, every moan of the rejected.  You could hear every prayer , every cry all at the same time.  The Lord sat in His chair and watched and heard it all.  At once I was overwhelmed with intercession and began to weep.  I wept for hours. I wept for those who were hurting but even more I was undone by this beautiful King who would choose to spend His time in this place.  This King who paid such attention to every cry and who was so full of compassion.  As I sat and wept with the Lord I began to feel His heart and all my selfish ambition began to fade away.  While we were in that place I noticed there was another door in the weeping room.  I asked the Lord what was behind that door and He told me that was where the strategy room was.  As he said those words instantly in my spirit I. knew in that room divine strategy for end time revival was available.  Although the door was still closed I recognized that wisdom and revelation were in there.  Heavenly blueprints were laid out to see the fulfilment of His kingdom coming to earth from that room. It was the hidden room that everyone searches for.  Everyone longs to have divine strategy.  I immediately asked if I could go in there and the Lord soberly told me that I  didn’t fit through the door.  I instantly understood that I had to spend time in the weeping room.  As I began to really apprehend the heart of God for the poor and the broken, then issues of my soulish nature would be stripped away until I would become small enough to fit through the door.  At that moment everything became clear. This was the way to access divine strategy.  From the place of intimacy God invites us to a deeper level - He beckons us into the weeping room - a place where we choose to see what He sees and feel what He feels.  And as we spend  time getting the heart of God things of our flesh begin to be stripped away until we are small enough to fit through the door that leads to the strategy room.   I had this encounter over two years ago but believe God is now moving many in the church from a place of intimacy into weeping.  This will lead them into the strategy room.   In actuality you never have to leave the intimacy room you just discover the deeper levels.  Many have surrendered themselves to the weeping room and extravagantly pursued the heart of God for the broken, they are now being invited into the strategy room.

I had another encounter a little over a year ago in which I heard a loud voice say “it’s time!!” and in the spirit I saw the strategy door swing open. God is inviting us into divine strategy that will release a global harvest of souls and establish the revelation of His kingdom on earth through overcoming saints.  I believe that as we enter the strategy room we will be compelled and moved by what we have seen and felt in the weeping room.  I have a sense that some have gone before us into the strategy room.  Unfortunately most quickly forgot what the strategy was for and used it to build their own kingdom.  (Haggai 1:3-7)

God is in the process of raising up a whole company of believers who are repulsed at the idea of building their own kingdom.  This company will have their hearts truly branded with passion and compassion.  These arethe ones that God is looking to release into the strategy room.

It’s time!

rediscovering a voice

yesterday I had the privilege of sitting with a gentle woman
whom I have sat with in a group for a few years
but never before had it been just the two of us ..
this lovely woman carries herself with a quiet elegance
and always looks peace-filled and at ease ...
I knew a tiny piece of her story ....
her husband died about 18 months ago
and she had been to Isreal
but that is all I knew ..
she had asked if she could come and sit for a bit ..

almost immediately her story started to come out
she spoke dispassionately, giving facts,
fighting emotions ....
and it was a sad sad story
of a marriage
that was all fake ..

there was no unity of heart, mind or spirit ..
only hard control
there was no tendeness, no expression of love
no times of being cherished
of being wanted
of being heard
of being seen

all while being upstanding, upfront pillars of the Christian commnity ...

her life was all a sham

she shared that in order to communicate with her husband
she had to write him a letter .... he would not
or could not
or chose not
to hear her voice
let alone her heart ...

and now, she finally had the courage to speak
to start tearing off the shrouds of death she had been wrapped in
for years
and years

she rediscovered her voice
and saw that the world did not end because she dared to speak the truth

and so we began a journey together ...
she will come back when. she is ready to again speak
and together we will move forward into the Light ...

I so admire her courage

but am left with this huge wondering ....

how many of us are out  there?

how many of us are living a lie
a sham
how many of us have lost our voice

when I look around at my sisters
what do I see

when anyone looks at me
what do they see

God have mercy ....

emerald ash borer

I remember so well the first time I saw this absolutely beautiful creature ...
it was a brilliant green, a little larger than a grass hopper ...
sitting perfectly still on the road .... I carefully picked it up and moved it over
into the grass so no one would run over it ...I was mezmorized by its unique beauty ...

a week or so later, I saw another ..
 this time down by the water, on the side of a stump ..
shedding its skin.... I watched fascinated, taking care no one touched it
or harmed it in any way ....I still had no idea what it was ... just that it
was so very attractive that my desire was to protect it from being killed ...

only later, much later, did I learn about the emerald ash borer  .....
a stunningly beautiful, seductively attractive killer .....

this thing that is so amazingly attractive
bores into the ash tree ...
bores right to the core, the heart, of the tree ...
unless you look very carefully to find evidence of its route to the core
you would not be aware of its presence ...
it simply hides inside sucking and feeding on the sap,
the lifeblood, of the tree
for some years
until one season the leaves begin to droop a bit,
and then the next season the leaf growth thins out considerably
and then next the branches are totally bare
and the tree begins its quiet inevitable journey into death

and is this not a picture of sin .....
how attractive it can look
how seductively beautiful it can seem
birthing a desire to protect it ..
place it somewhere no one would kill it ....

and before you are aware
this beautiful thing has penetrated right to our core
right into our heart
and unless it is uprooted
and put to death
it will suck the life out of us
and put us to death .....

it is interesting that while some birds might rest on a branch

or take shelter amongst the leaves

no bird ever nests in these infected trees ..

they seem to understand

this is no place to give birth

to bring vulnerable new life into being

is there an emerald ash borer hovering near by
trying to catch my attention ????

the scream

The Scream

If I ever let out the scream inside me, it will be heard for miles. It will echo across acres of land and tens of years. It will be a scream of rage and hurt and violation and of things wrongfully taken. It will put fear into the hearts of wild beasts, topple mountains and shatter the calm. It will ripple and grow and turn in upon itself as it simultaneously devours everything in its path.

If I ever let out the scream inside me, it will come from the very depths of my soul. It will start at my toes, explode through my heart, spring out through my tears. It will freeze my face in an expression of terror and pain. It will rip through the essence of my being. It would convulse my body into spasms of anguish and sorrow.

I would know, at that instant, how murders happen, how suicides are excused or explained...how vulnerable each of us really are.

I would scream the rage for myself and every other child throughout time that has been hurt, abused, neglected, afraid, abandoned or forgotten. I would scream the rage for myself and every other child throughout time that has sought comfort and been turned away or ignored, that looked for answers without knowing the questions.

If I ever let out the scream inside me it would be an emotional vomiting of things rotten and diseased, of things soured and spoiled...contaminated things that sit and churn and cannot be purged by any other means than an immense, sudden and explosive release. For the feelings behind the scream are volatile....and pressurized.

If I ever let out the scream inside me, I will have to do it alone, for I was alone when it was forced upon me in the first place. The scream is mine and mine alone. It is one of the few things I was allowed to keep. Most everything else was taken.

But now the scream wants to be set free....it doesn't want to be mine anymore. It demands release. How can I expect anyone to hold me near? I don't even want to be here...Hide, hide! Go to sleep! Maybe it will fade away. Maybe it will stay... I don't think so. I think it wants out.

It hurts! It swells and presses outward...but I can't let it go!!! I am paralyzed by it. It's got ME captive instead of the other way around.

Or...maybe we're both prisoners of each other....? I just don't know....

hidden gifts

there are some who are deeply wounded
so crippled by their wounds
that all one sees are the wounds
often those wounds have a voice
that screams and disrupts and demands attention

but

there are some
who have wonderful gifts
buried in those wounds

and too often
we ignore, cast aside, throw away
the wounded
and never see those gifts